Bachelorette 2015 Episode 3 Recap: JJ and Clint, Sitting in a Hot Tub
All you need to know about tonight's episode of The Bachelorette is that Chris Harrison forced Kaitlyn Bristowe and Ben Zorn into a "Escape Room" where they were forced to confront their worst fears — including scorpions and snakes. There's no denying that this sinister cupid is this close to striking his lovers with actual arrows as opposed to metaphorical arrows.
In other news, Kaitlyn also went on two group dates — both of which were completely traumatizing. We'll give you a clue: sex ed. Actually, we'll give you more than a clue. Chris Harrison forced Kaitlyn's boyfriends to teach a bunch of innocent middle schoolers about the birds and the bees. #SaveTheChildren
Who Went Home?
Not only was Kupah James sent packing early in the episode after throwing an infantile hissy fit (judging you so hard, Kupah), Kaitlyn sent home Daniel Finney and Cory Shivar. But that's not all! Our personal muse/life coach, Tony “The Healer,” eliminated himself because he's anti-violence (more on that later), and Clint Arlis was semi-eliminated (to be continued) during the cocktail hour when he started manipulating Kaitlyn.
Clint and JJ's Unlikely Romance
Move over Kaitlyn, because you have been rendered irrelevant by Clint Arlis and JJ Lane III. These two only had eyes for each other this week, and basically spent their time chilling out shirtless, holding hands, and manspreading to the point where their crotches had to be blacked out. "We've grown very close. Almost too close, in the room and in the shower," Clint said. "The possibility of coming onto the Bachelorette and falling in love with a man never crossed my mind, but I believe in the process and at this point I am a success story." Adorable?
Sumo Wrestling Group Date — Who Got the Rose?
In what can only be described as utter public shame and humiliation, Kaitlyn forced her boyfriends to dress up in "thong man-diapers" (her words) and wrestle. At this point, Tony “The Healer” suffered a spiritual breakdown and viciously attacked a Sumo wrestler — his hair was in a half-ponytail at the time — which caused him to have a spiritual collapse. Kaitlyn had to care for Tony like a tender little lamb before he eventually blew-up at JJ and departed… but not before saying, "I view the world through the eyes of a child." Please join us in collective prayer that this flawless creature will make an appearance on Bachelor in Paradise.
The good news is that Kaitlyn made a strong connection with Shawn Booth (he got the Group Date Rose), which totally didn't have anything to do with the fact that his assets were on full display. And speaking of assets, we are actually blind now, thanks to this group date.
Sex Ed Group Date — Who Got the Rose?
This has to be the worst date ever — with the exception of Juan Pablo Galavis' date to a cave that was literally called “hell.” Not only did Kaitlyn's unlucky men have to chill with a bunch of children all day (total buzzkill), they had to teach said children "where babies come from."
We can't emphasize enough how unqualified these dudes are to be teaching sex ed — like, it's a miracle they don't all have a million love children wandering around the US of A thanks to their very shaky understanding of reproduction. What we do know is that the following sentences were uttered by Kaitlyn's contestants: "I learned everything sexual I knew as a kid by watching our cows," "this is the anus," and "don't be freaked out, but the lining of your uterus is going to shed." Fortunately, the kids were actually child actors — otherwise, all these dudes would have surely been arrested.
So, who got the rose? Kaitlyn ended up giving it to Ben Higgins thanks to his brilliant explanation of sex! To quote: "The sperm has a long journey to the woman's eggs." True story.
Ben Zorn's 1-on-1
We're currently suffering PTSD as a result of Ben Z.'s date with Kaitlyn, but here's a short recap of what went down: Kaitlyn took Ben to a building filled with feral birds and taxidermied animals, and they were promptly locked in a room with a bunch of pigeons, blood, limbs, and photos of Britt Nilsson's face. Fortunately, Kaitlyn and Ben weren't murdered, though, let's be real — Chris Harrison definitely lives here.
The point of this date was apparently to overcome obstacles and grow closer together, but in reality, Kaitlyn was hysterical while Ben flailed around in horror. However, if you think this stopped Kaitlyn from giving Ben the rose and a makeout session, you'd be wrong. In fact, Ben opened up about the tragic death of him mom, and the fact that he hasn't cried for 11 years — which totally made Kaitlyn cry. Somehow, we have a feeling it's only a matter of time before he's weeping (thanks, Chris Harrison).
Trainwreck of the Night
Oh, Clint. What happened to you, friend? Despite a great 1-on-1 with Kaitlyn last week, Clint had a meltdown during his group date cocktail hour because Kaitlyn didn't want to hang out with him. However, Clint realized that he had to get a rose in order to keep chillin' with JJ, so he kissed Kaitlyn even though he didn't like her. Oh, and then he turned flat-out evil and said "villains gotta vill" as he chuckled crazily. You better believe Clint's competitors sold him out to Kaitlyn, who quickly confronted her former makeout buddy. The drama continues next week!
Also, we'd like to give Kupah a special trainwreck shout out for beginning this episode by swearing and whisper-yelling, "I've been dissed by uglier girls, homie."
Quote of the Night
Tony “The Healer”: "I have the heart of a warrior with a gypsy soul."
No comment necessary, this man is a legend.